Fresh Start

Well, here it is: my first post on a new site.  I’ve used a different blog/site the past 2 1/2 years.  Blogging has become a real sense of therapy for me.  I put a lot of time, effort, and money into the other site.  I’m really proud of how it all turned out.  I’m proud of the people I’ve met and those I’ve become closer with, as a result of the site.  I started the blog in an effort to motivate myself and others to lose weight.  I had the best of intentions.  But soon the blog became more of a diary.  A diary that sometimes talked about a journey toward weight loss, but more often, it was about my life and feelings.  From the beginning, I censored myself as to not talk family situations, my marriage, and to be really careful when discussing anyone that might be reading it or hear what I’d written.  So, here I am….trying to pull myself from a midlife crisis.  I need freedom.  I need a fresh fucking start.  I need to really say what I’m feeling, without, for once in my life taking into consideration what everyone will think.  Yay!  Freedom!  It’s such weird feeling….  So, for better or worse, here I am.  Once again, I’m “starting tomorrow” on the weight loss journey.  I’m guessing the Coke, Jack in the Box egg and cheese breakfast burrito, hash brown, and egg and cheese biscuit kind of blew it for me today.  Also, when done with this, I’ll be hitting a slice of red velvet cake.  There’s no middle ground with me.  I’m definitely all or nothing.  I hate that about myself.  I’ve worked hard on it in therapy, but really, when it comes to food, (and in some regards relationships) I’m still a disaster.  I know that processed foods and soda are fucking chemical shit storms.  I also made the choice to give up meat (with the exception of eggs and seafood) 4 years ago.  But when I’m doing poorly, I almost intentionally eat anything and everything bad for me.  I’ll categorize a McFish as “seafood” and chow that down w/ soda (regular or diet, depending on just how bad I’m doing), and large fries.  I’ve been giving all of this a lot of thought.  I need to quit “thinking” (that’s all I do…all day long…mind never stops) and just fucking do.  So, hopefully “tomorrow” will come to fruition, and I’ll get back on the train.  It’s the chicken or the egg question…  Is my depression brought on by eating poorly or does it happen as a result of eating poorly?  I’m putting my faith into the “egg” tomorrow, and hoping against all hope I’ll get going.  I need to eat better and get up and move.  I’ve pretty much locked myself in the bedroom on and off for the past 2 years.  I need to find passion again..passion for anything.  I’m hoping it will start with passion for food and exercise.  I know what it feels like to eat a vegan diet and feel amazing and healthy.  I need to feel alive again.  So, the experiment starts tomorrow.  Let’s go Egg!

~Jen